Children are a mirror image of you!

It's funny that as children we want to be grown ups because we think that grown ups know everything and when we grow up we actually start thinking that we do know everything. But that learning never stops. Someone once said that "I have never met a person from whom I've not learnt anything". How true! A few days back I was sitting with my almost 3 year old daughter and I realized that there's so much I've learnt from her in the past 3 years. Children are like a mirror you keep in front of yourself and they will show you what you are. From her I have learnt things about myself which I would have never believed if someone told me. Having an unhealthy pregnancy and raising up a toddler in that state can make you loose patience. At times I loose my patience with her and at this particular instance I found myself shouting at her when she was not listening to me. A few minutes later she reciprocrated and shouted at me when I did something she didn't like. That very moment felt like she put a mirror in front of my eyes and showed me my face. From that day I've been trying to have patience and tell her things in a more pleasant way. Like this there are numerous times when I forget what I teach her and do things otherwise and she stands right in front of me reminding me of my own teachings. I want my daughter to evolve into a beautiful person, but I am sure that in the process she will help take some vices away from me too!!

...and the fight continues

With each passing day I keep telling myself that things will get better. But I know that for the next 10 weeks they will not get any better than it already is. I don't know how I will pass the next 10 weeks but the prize that awaits at the end of it keeps motivating me to go.

No...that's not true entirely. Nothing motivates me to keep going now except for the fact that I don't want my child to suffer for his entire life becuase I was incapable of bearing the pain. My body is shattered. It hurts to even move one foot now but a mother is born to bear the pain for their children. And that is what I am doing. My morning starts with the fear to pass one more day and the night ends with tears filled in my eyes pitying myself. Some days I just wish to end it all, I wish the baby was out sooner...but at the very same instant it scares me to see my child's future if he came out before he was ready and I find myself saying that I will fight for a little more.

I never understood the love and sacrifice my mother made to this extent till the time I discovered what HG was. My mom never went through this but she must have seen other things to protect me and to see no harm came my way. Of course...that's what moms do!!

I don't know how I will recover from my physical turmoil but no matter what happens...I will always love my children and I know they will always feel the love around them.

My biggest nightmare of the time is over

It was about time we got Aanya potty trained. I had tried on and off ever since she was 18 months old. Sometimes it seemed she is taking to it and sometimes she seemed miles away from it.
Some of her friends started getting trained when they turned two and were trained within a couple of months. I did the same...or at least tried to do the same but failed. And then I found out I was pregnant. I was in no state to deal with her accidents and she was almost 2 1/2 year old. It was a nightmare to even think that soon I'll be having my second child and my first will not be potty trained even after 3 years. How embarassing... and how could I ever take her to India in diapers when all her younger siblings would be roaming around without one!
Come Thanksgiving, Sachin decided it was time to put in real efforts. We left her without diapers for 3 days and somehow managed to deal with accidents (which happened every hour)... but at the end of those 3 days she started showing signs. She wasn't telling but controlled herself for a couple of hours. The daycare people helped in the process and here she is...without a diaper....even in the night!

HG...yet again

Since the past two years I kept telling Sachin that I don't want another baby because I don't think I can deal with my hyperemesis again and he always got mad at me saying you just think too much. But I know the chances of having hyperemesis in subsequent pregnancies is too high.
Stats say there are only 1% pregnancies that result in hyperemesis and out of those only 5% are lucky enough not to have hyperemesis again. I was lucky enough to be in the 1% but i can't trust myself to be double lucky... so here I am suffering again with HG!

People say everything happens for our good...I wonder what good it stores in for me. How good it can be when you can't feel the joy of your baby, when you can't even sit back to cherish that you are going to be a mom. With Aanya I always wished I would die and get rid of this...but I don't want to wish for that now..because I have my lil girl in front of me and I want to live for her.

I was lucky to have my mom's presence around me this time. Just like me she thinks of her little girl all the time and keeps doing things to make me feel better. True...God can't be everywhere..that's why he made moms!

And not to forget my friends...as they say true friends are just a call away. But for me they were not even a call away...they were at my door when I needed them most. Thanks Shalini and Mansi for being there and taking care of me and my family.

I know there's light at the end of the tunnel...just the tunnel is too long. But I will fight and try to be as strong as I can be...and wait for that precious moment which will make this pain worthwhile.

The bell rings again...

I had this weird feeling since yesterday. I felt queasy and dizzy and started throwing up all of a sudden. Being a mom I knew what it was even before i ran a pregnancy test. But like everything in life we need a proof...and LO I had a proof in my hand in the next hour.
Yes I am pregnant again....
Don't know if I am happy or scared or a mix of both... The only thing I can visualize right now is that precious moment where I hold the most beautiful creation of God in my hand!!

Time flies!!

Yes.. I never really understood what this phrase means till my daughter was born. And time just flies now. It's been 2 years since she was born and it still feels like it was yesterday. I can feel her tender body, I can see my trembling fingers when I first held her, I can hear the coos she made in my arms... all of it is still so fresh in my mind.
I didn't even realize that my last post was almost an year back. As a matter of fact I don't even realize when my day starts and when it ends. God should have blessed mothers with an extra set of helping hands, another set of eyes, more importantly another set of brain .But I guess that would have been in vain too. we would have soon run out of the extra help as well :)
Everything I do these days is around her. Life has changed in the past 2 years, but it never seem to bother me anymore. Aal the effrots, all the hard work and all the pain seems worthwhile for that one beautiful smile!!

A step Forward

My daughter turned one year a couple of months back. According to the modern world standards she was quite grown-up to be sleeping in her own room. Being an Indian I come from a very different background. As I kid I never had a room of my own. I always shared a room with my brother. And everybody i knew shared a room with their siblings. I don’t even know when I got moved into ‘MY OWN ROOM’ for that matter. I think a lot of it is credited to the fact that we never had a house big enough to have an individual room. That’s how most of the Indian houses are. Or maybe it’s the fact that the kids in America are far more independent than the kids back in my home country. Or maybe it’s a special Indian bonding thing. Whatever it may be, it never seems odd to me when somebody tells me that their little one is sleeping with them. that’s exactly how I grew up.

But every time I talked to my American colleagues, it felt like a big thing to me. I was always inspired to let Aanya have her own room. Well so much for the inspiration… we finally made up our mind to do so. We made her sweet little room (no pom pom, no magic) just some of her favorite things around, converted her crib and BOOM it was all ready. The night came, I put her to bed… but never imagined that it could be the longest and the heaviest night for me. I wiggled in the bed for some time, shed a couple of tears and then I declared… It might be a right decision to move my darling little girl but that was it. I was moving along with her! And the next moment I was sleeping on a sleeping bag next to her bed. A couple of days past, i was still not ready… and this gets hilarious when I think of it now…eventually DH moved too!! We did this for a week and watched her sleep peacefully night after night. It made my heart cry when I figured out it was time to move back and let her be… my sweet little angel!!

And I learned that there are many more hardships waiting down the road for me, many more goodbyes to come, many more days when I’ll see her walk away from me and I would just sit there and watch her till the time the mommy inside me said… she’s going to be just fine!!

PS: In my other blog I have shown that I really suck at taking pictures. I am hoping that this will be a turning point in my photography skills :-)